FUG TAG // Metropolitan Gala Red Carpet

Are you still, with us, brave minions? There’s still a TON of dresses to rip, so don’t falter now!  People are counting on you. Our country is counting on you. Or your country is, depending where you are. Anyway, the point it, there is no day off when you’re a bitch. Remember that.

Onward!
Beyonce in Emilio Pucci

That’s all way too much. We fully support the idea of attendants at the Met Gala bringing it as best they can and working more out-there looks, but it’s just too much, kittens. She reminds us of an Elvis-on-velvet painting. One that’s having trouble breathing. Seriously, could that thing be any tighter? Her boobs and head look like they’re about to pop off.

Brooklyn Decker in Michael Kors

It’s kind of striking in its simplicity and the color suits her. We don’t love it, but it’s a good look for her.

Claire Danes and Hugh Dancy in Calvin Klein

It’s pretty, but boring. Together, they’re more than the sum of their parts. They’re each other’s best accessory.

Daphne Guinness in Alexander McQueen

God bless this woman. You know, if Barbara Hershey had worn this all through Black Swan, we would have liked that movie a lot more.

Demi Moore in Prabal Gurung and Philip Treacy Hat

What did we say about the hats? A bunch of celebs were dying to be at the Royal Wedding, so now we’re going to have to put up with them swanning about the red carpet like they’re at Ascot with the Queen. The dress looks good, though.

Elizabeth Banks in Tommy Hilfiger

On paper, this would be boring; especially since so many women seem to have defaulted to this dress for the night. But it really suits her. She looks fantastic. Great hair and makeup.

Emily Browning  in Marc Jacobs and Max Irons

It’s a bit too prim and understated for the event. And her purse doesn’t go with it. He could wear those pants as footie pajamas, the hem is so long on them.

Evan Rachel Wood in Gucci

Very pretty, if surprisingly understated. Then again, she’s been toning it down considerably lately. This is all perhaps a bit too close to costume-y since she decided to go for 1940s hair. We think a more modern hairstyle would have kicked this up a notch.

Fergie in Marchesa

The hell? Why is Fergie dressed like she’s there to get married? Was she confused? Is this some sort of post-Royal Wedding Fever breakdown? Did she spend the evening randomly telling men that she pledges her troth to them?

You know, we can almost believe she did.

Freida Pinto in Chanel

It’s cute, but we can’t help thinking it would look better as a simple halter. The sleeves detract from the simple wit of the dress.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen in Alexander McQueen

They’re gigantic, beautiful people so she requires a gigantic, beautiful dress.

Janelle Monae in Chanel

It’s kind of beyond our bitchery, being a costume and all. We’re a bit tired of the look, but she dressed it up well enough. The pants don’t fit that well, it seems.

Jennifer Hudson in Vera Wang

We like the top half and the color’s great on her, but we’re not all that crazy about the “look at my crinolines” skirt.

Jessica Alba in Ralph Lauren

Jesus Christ, could you lighten the hell up just once?

Your dress looks pageant-y.

Jessica Szohr in Topshop

Kittens, we are BESIDE OURSELVES over this whole Topshop thing. There’s a time and a place for Topshop (presumably), but the Met Gala is NOT it. Sorry. Any Topshop dress is going to look like crap standing next to dresses worth thousands, if not tens of thousands of dollars. In addition, a cocktail dress is inappropriate and those shoes are ugly. They really need to hire us as the style bouncers, because we would have met her at the door and told her to get back in her limo.

Kerry Washington in Escada

It’s an absolutely  gorgeous color on her, but we would have liked it a lot more without so much skin showing on the sides. A little too Miami for the Met Gala. That some mighty pink lipstick.

Leighton Meester in Louis Vuitton

Everything here looks like it hurts.

Liv Tyler in Givenchy

It’s definitely one of the most talked-about dresses of the night, so brava on that one, dear. We like it. It’s a little crazy, sure. But to us, that’s the point. It has a uniquely beautiful, dream-like quality to it.

Maggie Grace

She’s making that dress look prettier than it is. It all gets a little complicated and lingerie-like on her torso. One or two too many elements. Still, it keeps it from being boring.

Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr in Marchesa

Enh. Too short and a little too bridal in tone.

Rosario Dawson in Diane von Furstenberg

You have to admit, she was born to wear that dress.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Burberry Prorsum

Looks cheap and flammable.

Sofia Vergara in Carolina Herrera

We weren’t at all crazy about this botanical-print-inspired collection when it came out, but we have to admit, this looks great on her. It’s nice to see her showing off her curves without going too va-va-voom, like she normally does.

Solange Knowles in Dries Van Noten

ATTENTION, EARTHLINGS. THE HARVESTING OF YOUR RESOURCES WILL BEGIN IMMEDIATELY. DO NOT RESIST THE SOLANGE.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage]

Leighton Meester for Vera Wang

Oh, Leighton Meester. we are intimately aware of your struggles to dress in a manner that doesn’t make bitchy gay men like us laugh. We have charted your lows and your not-as-lows. Someday, we thought, some handsome prince of a stylist will show this girl how pretty she can be without resorting to excessive buckles or exposing her abs.

That day has come, Leighton Meester.

We don’t know who styled her for this ad campaign for Vera Wang’s new fragrance, Lovestruck, but we sure hope he or she gave her a thick binder of notes to take home with her. We’re not sure we’ve ever seen her look so pretty.

““Everyone else was in three parkas and Leighton is standing there in a strapless evening dress with a very thin fabric,” said Wang, noting that the ad was shot on a particularly frigid winter day on Mercer Street in SoHo. Naturally, this caught the attention of every tourist with an iPhone — but while Wang wasn’t wild about unauthorized visuals floating about, she did appreciate the spontaneous market research. “When I heard tourists saying, ‘ I want to look like her,’ I knew we were right on the money,” said Wang. “There’s nothing like the real client in the street, and I mean the street literally — and in windows literally.”

We hope they let you keep the dress, honey. At the very least, you better have gotten that stylist’s number.
[Photo Credit: thefashionspot.com, wwd.com]

FUG TAG // Pattinson and Witherspoon

Darlings, it’s time to check in on the happiest co-workers in show biz!

Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon at the UK premiere of “Water for Elephants.”

Reese is wearing a Stella McCartney dress, Lorraine Schwartz earrings and Christian Louboutin shoes. Robert Pattinson is wearing a Dries Van Noten suit.

Could that smile be any more frozen and locked into place, we ask you?

 

She: Well, this is a huge improvement over that pin cushion dress the other day. Clearly, Reese read the opinions of the T Lo minions and immediately set about slapping people who work for her. The message had been sent loud and clear: Dress me in clothes that fit me, fools! We mostly like this dress. The view from the back is pretty amazing, even for these two ‘mos. It fits great and it’s a great color on her. We just hatehatehate the “oops, I just can’t keep my straps up” feature. Put in straps that work or go strapless, but these limp little things are silly. You’re not Liz and this isn’t Butterfield 8. Still, it’s the only complaint. Hair and makeup look great and believe it or not, we think nude shoes were the only way to go here. Besides, the Band-Aid is endearing. Score: 9/10.

He: Well, there’s not a lot to critique. This is his go-to look (when he’s bathed, that is) and he wears it well. The slim cut of the suit (which he favors) looks great on him and young men should wear slim cuts for as long as they can get away with it. We don’t even mind the dark shirt, which normally looks mafia to us. Truth be told, it still looks a little mafia, but he’s like, the least threatening human male you can find, so it’s fine. Yes, everything is just a bit too rumpled and wrinkled, but that was almost surely deliberate. From head to toe, this is how the public expects him to look when he gets dressed up. He’s giving them what they want. Score: 8/10

Combined Score: 8.5/10. That seems awfully high, considering they’re not even all that dressed up. But it’s not about wearing the most expensive outfit; it’s about wearing the outfit that suits you the best. Aside from some minor quibbles, there’s almost nothing we’d change here.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage]

FUG // Ryan Gosling Arriving in Los Angeles

Ryan Gosling displayed his hipster bona fides while sailing through LAX this week, an event which is going to force us to say something that will either piss off hipsters or piss off well-built guys.

Here it is: We don’t think well-built guys can pull of the hipster uniform. We think this outfit would look totally chic and kind of adorable on the right guy. We don’t think Ryan’s that guy. What’s the point in working out your shoulders and arms if you’re going to wear a tiny, ill-fitting jacket over them? What’s the point in working out your butt and legs if you’re going to insist on pants that are going to make you look hippy? Those pants and that jacket are cut for slim guys. Not that Ryan’s some sort of muscle god, but he’s a little too big in certain areas for this to look good on him; or at least, as good as it would look on someone slimmer.

And we’re just gonna say it: the glasses, pendant, and deep V neck combine to take the look into poser territory.

[Photo Credit: PacificCoastNews]

FUG TAG // Ginnifer Goodwin attends the premiere of “Something Borrowed"

Ginnifer Goodwin attends the premiere of “Something Borrowed” in Hollywood in an Hervé Léger by Max Azria dress and the Bitter Kittens get to decide if she got it right.

This looks so good on her, it’s almost WERQ-worthy, but it turns out we have a better candidate for that, which we’ll get to later today.

Hervé Léger by Max Azria Fall 2011 Collection

Model: Ginta Lapina

It’s not that we think it’s jaw-dropping or anything. It’s just that it’s such a huge improvement for her. She’s made some seriously bad choices on the red carpet; far more than good ones. It seems to us she’s always wearing dresses that don’t flatter her or that are questionable at best from a taste perspective. This hits all the right notes. The silhouette is great on her, she looks great in busy prints, and she gets to wear something that gives the illusion of being skin-baring (which is something she likes) while still being tasteful. In addition, she nailed the accessories. The shoes are just right and we love that big honking ring. We still think she makes bad haircut choices, but the styling looks cute here and the earrings suit her. Love the clutch too.

Lindsay Lohan // for Blank Magazine

Lindsay gets her Boogie Nights on once again.

Blank Magazine, May 2011 issue
Photographers: Steven Gomillion and Dennis Leupold
Stylist: Angelo De Santo
Hair: Aaron Light @ Celestine

Oh, honey. No. Cigarette in your mouth and hand on your boob? Again? This is what it’s come to?
Not that this represents a low point for her. In fact, it’s an indication of how low she’s fallen that this isn’t her lowest point.

It’s kind of depressing that the talented, promising actress of less than a decade ago is doing another in a string of editorials that play on her strung out and slightly skanky image. It’s like she’s got nothing else left. And the irony of it is, she looks better here than in any pictures we’ve seen of her for a long time. She looks healthy and focused and the hair and makeup are pretty. It’s the setting and the clothes that are so tired. It’s a shame, because she could have probably pulled off a classier set of pictures than this. She’s done these ’70s/’80s inspired layouts for half her career, it seems.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, style.com]

FUG TAG // Kate Hudson in Versace

Kate Hudson attended the premiere of “Something Borrowed”  in Hollywood in a Versace dress and we’ve gotta say, girl nailed it.

We originally had this one set up as an “In or Out,”  but she did such a good job here we switched formats at the last second and gave her equally-as-deserving of a WERQ co-star the In or Out treatment today. In other words, darlings, there was such an embarrassment of riches at this one film premiere, coming from two ladies who rarely give us cause to huzzah, that we were all kinds of confused and discombobulated. We took deep cleansing breaths and sipped mineral water until we could get a hold of ourselves.

Versace Fall 2011 Collection/Model: Hailey Clauson

Kate’s not an awful dresser; just a really uneven one. She’s gotten better in recent years but not so much that the quality doesn’t fluctuate quite a bit. She wore something the other day to the Met Gala that we weakly praised as one of the better ways to dress when you’re as far along in your pregnancy as she is. We didn’t love the look; we just felt that she did all right and we weren’t going to harsh on a lady who hasn’t seen her feet in a good while. Well, we were wrong about that look, because THIS is one of the best maternity looks we think we’ve ever seen. Preggo or no, she looks flat out gorgeous here. Great hair and makeup and a beautiful, feminine dress. It’s a lovely shade of yellow. A bit too close to her hair color to satisfy our particular brand of OCD, but it looks good on her. We’d call this a WERQ even if she wasn’t pregnant, but when you consider there’s a little person inside her, kicking her and eating all her food, the fact that she looks this good is a WERQ++. We’re bowing here.

[Photo Credit: getty, wireimage, style.com]

BACK BEAUTY

Vogue Italia releases their annual salute to people who aren’t white and we’re once again squirming a bit in our seats at the prospect.
Vogue Italia May 2011 Issue
Photographer: Ellen von Unwerth
Stylist: Giulio Martinelli

We have a confusing reaction to these types of editorials. On the one hand, they give the spotlight to a group the fashion industry tends to either ignore or downplay. On the other hand, the existence of these types of editorials only serve to point out how bad the fashion industry’s track record is in this matter the other 11 months out of the year.

On the other, other hand… gorgeous women of color looking gorgeous.

The bottom line is, as much as we cringe at titles like “BLACK BEAUTIES,” which objectify and dehumanize women of color, and as much as we decry the very idea of race-based issues of magazines or editorials (instead of the much better in theory, but far less likely to be equitable “color blind” standard of beauty and fashion journalism), the alternative is to not highlight or showcase these models at all. We can cringe at the concept and the title, but are the American fashion mags doing a better job when they almost never feature a woman of color on their covers and only intermittently sprinkle them throughout their editorials and ad campaigns? There’s something a little condescending about these issues and editorials but even more important, there’s always a sense of disappointment because nothing’s really going to change. We’ll see one or two women of color on fashion magazine covers in the time between this issue and next year’s “ALL BLACK” issue; just like we saw one or two women of color on the covers last year. These issues may “shine a light” on an issue, but that’s all they ever do. The status quo remains in place.

Still, the ladies are gorgeous and working the shit out of their time to shine.

[Photo Credit: fashioncopious, zfashionblog]